I had a new patient write in a few days ago. This was one of the most detailed requests for treatment that I have received! Shiloh from the Bumpass Hounds had this problem:
"Dear Doctor Steve, I'm feeling down in the dumps. I think I need your help. Jubal says I need help. Homer J. says I need help. J.E.B. says I need help. Shelby Belle says I really need help. Jack says I'm a pyscho. Sophie says she thinks I might need help. Abby says I should probably seek professional counseling and get help. Radar hasn't met me yet so he has no opinion. All three cats say bad things about me behind my back, I know that they hate me cuz they never want to play tag with me. I'm about 2+1/2 feet tall at the shoulders, about 6+1/2 feet standing on my hind legs. I weigh about 165 lbs. I eat about 6 cups of kibble a day, 3 cups at breakfast and 3 at dinner. i eat about 6 mini-milkbones a day as bribes for going in my crate, going into the pen, etc. I'm definitely a food reward dog. I take one glucosamine and chondrotin tablet each morning with my kibble because I have OCD in my shoulder sockets because I grew to fast as a puppy. I was two years old this past April 24th. I just long to sit under my tree out in the pen that I share with my brother Max. He doesn't say i need help, he just always tells me to get a life. I really, really think that I could use some "puppy uppers" if you don't mind writing me a prescription for a gross of them. What is an "oaf?" What is a " big lummox?" Thanks Doctor Steve. I look forward to your professional evaluation of my condition and a good dose of "puppy uppers." - Shiloh"
Naturally I felt just terrible for poor Shiloh. I mean, look how sad she looks here. If that face doesn't say, "feed me some treats" I don't know what does!
I'll admit, I had a bit of a hard time understanding how Shiloh could be sad. Did you see how much she gets to eat?!? I only get 1.75 cups of food per day, plus treats and my kong. That's like one bite for Shiloh! Then I realized that even with all that food, life can be rough if your family is telling you that you're crazy all the time. Now, I'm sure the Bumpass Mom and Dad are quite nice to poor Shiloh, but it sounds like her furry siblings need to make up for all the teasing they give her! So I have prescribed the following:
As a side note, I'd like to tell Shiloh to give up on the cats. I'll admit that the Bumpass Cats seem a whole lot nicer than Wilbur, but they are still cats and can't be trusted.
Well, Shiloh, I hope that with this prescription, you'll be back to happy in no time, kind of like you are in this picture!
Woo at ya later,
Dr. Steve