Rules

by Valerie Barker


Our Texas grandma emailed this to us. She didn't write it, so we won't take it personally. We're going to leave our comments in purple for Kat, red for Steve, and green for Wilbur. Our comments aren't to anyone general, just what we think about this document.

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. (I don't care what you like Mom and Dad, I want your food.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. (Yes, but what if my goal is your demise, mother?)
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. (We don't need both of you to sleep on the couch, just Dad.)
For the last time , there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required. (But don't you need me to guard the shower when you're in it?) (You could be dispensing treats. That's why I must investigate.)
The proper order is kiss me , then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! (Oh come on, Dad. You know you like it.)
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't. (And stay off my yard and porch, children! I don't want you to look at me or I will claw your eyes out.)
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture .) (I need that loveseat. It gives me good window vantage point.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (Even if Mom doesn't like you, I do.)
4. To you, it's an animal. To me , he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. (I speak just fine. Here, listen. WOOO!! RUFF!! WOOOWOWOOOO!!)
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less (Only because you don't feed me more.)
2. Don't ask for money all the time (Because I have my own poop-to-gold converter.)
3 Are easier to train (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)
4. Normally come when called (That's right, I do.)
5. Never ask to drive the car (I would only go to Dairy Queen.)
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends (Catnip anyone?)
7. Don't smoke or drink (I am a waterholic.)
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions (Well, except when Mom dresses us up in bandannas.)
9. Don't want to wear your clothes (I just want to get them dirty!)
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and... (Just a gazillion dollars for treats!)
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children. (Or parents can just take them to the vet to be fixed. I hate the vet!)